I got married, mentally, for all the wrong reasons. I love my husband, don't get me wrong. I don't think there was another man out there any better for me than the one I got. I put too much effort into him to ever think he isn't "the one." When I finally got what I wanted and was getting married, I figured that being married would make my life perfect and figured, "sheesh how hard can this be?!"
OH MAN was i was way off. My husband is, ahem, 14 years older and he works so hard. He works many jobs and many hours and now that I'm married i see his working much differently than i ever used to. When we first met and over the years, he has always worked all the time. He was always tired and working for nothing. It made me mad more than anything bc i wasnt able to see him or he didn't want to spend time with me bc he would come home from work and go to bed on a Saturday night at 9.
Last weekend we had the argument that he works so much and doesnt have 5 mins to clear his head to make a coherent decision about anything. I got mad and walked out to hit the park to clear my own head...then it hit me..im slowly watching the person I love die..he works till all hours and then comes home to work more. One might think that, "Wow, he must make a ton of money to work that much" and its the opposite. We have nothing and he works that hard to just not lose what we do have.
Time is so short here on earth and the funny thing is, as we live it each day we don't even notice it. Soon we are going to be embarking on a trip. My husband is the type of person to think rationally and practically about things. He laughs at me when I tell him Im having nightmares and funky dreams about our trip. However, last week he told me about a nightmare he had that has really stuck with me and left me feeling anxious even more and sad and afraid (in general). His dream involved us walking down a large and main road in Youngstown. I have been there before and its filled with shops and restaurants..its a very busy road. He said that the road was filling up with water and it was getting dark out..as if and it may have been the end of the world. He said that he wanted to hurry home to get to our boys (our cats) and I told him, "no, they are going to be fine. I want to spend our last few moments with just you." And then we walked up the road into darkness.
He is not easily rattled by dreams usually and this one left him shaken!! I blew it off but inside and apparently for the last week or so it has shaken me too..he thought of our plane ride (over the Atlantic to Europe) and of course that scared me even more. The only vision in my mind was that scene in "The Titanic" where the ship is filling up with water and they show that old couple lying in their bed embracing in their last moments..
And then it got me thinking more about all the time we are wasting with him working for nothing and how im missing out on being with my husband. All the time we are wasting when we have senseless arguments and the hurtful things that get said. All the time we are wasting engaging in meaningless activities..all that time. My husband will be 50 next year. He isnt old, but he is looking old..and he is having some issues with his body (full of arthritis and stuff like that) that leave me seeing my future watching him suffer. I think about the amount of work he is doing and how we aren't living..we aren't living separately as individuals, but we are struggling to live together as a couple.
I want us to dump the house and try to find a way to start living the rest of our life together, before I find myself living my life alone. All this time we are wasting to have things, when we can live without the excess..In my own life i feel like im wasting time. It has become time to get involved in my life and take control. My advice to anyone who is married would be to embrace the time that God has given you and really do learn to pick your battles..over the years all the cliches that everyone spews about relationships and marriage are true. Bc once the person you love is gone, you can never get them back..so stop wasting so much time bc its slowly ticking away on its own.
